How Do I Get My Teen to Respect Me?

I get a lot of questions from parents asking me how to get their teens to respect them. The most important thing to remember is that respect goes both ways.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines respect as “a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way.” There seems to be a myth that continues to be passed down from generation to generation declaring that parenthood automatically earns one the badge of respect. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Respect is earned and shouldn’t be considered a given “just because.”

Phrases like “Do as you are told; Because I said so; I’m the parent, you are the child” don’t scream respect; they scream disconnect. Using fear-based tactics like punishment and threats, or saying hurtful words to demand respect from your kids is not true respect. Your kids might do as they are told, but the anger, resentment, and frustration will build. Then the relationship really becomes conditional and not one of mutual respect. The golden rule of parenting I have discovered in my own journey is that in order to get respect you have to give respect.

How do we create that feeling or understanding of mutual respect in our relationship with our child especially when they start to hit those teen years? The best way for kids to learn respect is for parents to model it to them. Like any other value you want to share with your kids, you have to be that first one to do it. So here are 5 ways to model respect for your kids:

1. Let them know their voice matters.

The worst thing you can do as a parent is to tell your children that what they are saying is stupid, doesn’t make sense, or that they shouldn’t think that way. Teens have a lot to say and just like you, they want to be heard. If you dismiss their voice, how do you expect them not to do the same to you?

2. Listen without voicing an opinion.

Come from a place of curiosity instead of judgment. Even if your teen is saying something that you totally disagree with, that doesn’t mean what they have to say doesn’t have value. If you want them to listen to you, then it starts with you listening to them.

3. Talk to them calmly.

Being a parent doesn’t mean you have a license to yell at your kid and not expect them to do the same to you. As a parent, it is unrealistic to expect yourself not to lose your cool sometimes. But when you feel anger coming on, you have a great opportunity to show them how to gain control over themselves in that moment, by taking a breather and continuing the exchange in a mindful way. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a moment to walk away and reset yourself so you can then come back for a discussion with a level head.

4. Respond, don’t react.

Reactive parenting is super common, and it usually leads to arguments, lots of yelling, and saying things we don’t mean in the moment. Listen, I get it. Sometimes our teen says hurtful things to us. But acknowledging that what they said felt hurtful is different than screaming back at them with something that will hurt them in return. That is a hard merry-go-round to get off of and nobody ever wins.

Instead I tell parents not to listen to the words, but to listen to the emotion instead. From there you can figure out what is going on and empathize. Validating their feelings by saying something like, “Wow, you are really frustrated,” then listening to their response will really help to disarm the heated conversation and hopefully begin to open up a new dialogue.

5. Own up to it when you aren’t at your best with them.

We all have difficult moments and sometimes we unconsciously lash out at our kids. Becoming aware of when you lose your cool and offering an apology will go a long way. When you take responsibility, they will learn to do the same.

Most importantly, while these 5 practices will help create a mutual respect between you and your kids, nothing is more powerful than your kids seeing how you treat not only others but yourself. Stepping into a space of compassion for yourself and others is powerful. It sends them a message to treat themselves this way too.